[No matter how long Tsukiyama spends in this world, the fact remains that old habits die hard. It occurs to him exactly how easy it would be to hurt him with that - to bear it in mind and use it against him later, or to say something nasty now and be done with it - and he wonders if that last bit is there because Banjou knows it as well; however, while the awareness may be there, the intent is not, and because old habits die hard he has to pause for a while to actually find words that aren't going to be derisive or hateful because now really isn't the time, even if he really wants to be hateful in Banjou's direction right now.
Why couldn't there be a reason that doesn't come down to that...]
But that's acceptable...?
[He sends it before he can second-guess it; it...burns a bit, and he doesn't know where the rest comes from when he continues, but you know what, he's tired of dealing with all of it and if he's going to be blunt he's tired of being upset, and maybe if he gets some of this out of his head it'll be gone for good and he can get on with his damn life.]
I know you're probably just going to shout at me for it, but if I could go back to looking out for myself and no one else at this point, I would. I would much prefer not caring about what happens to any of you as opposed to feeling like this all the time - and even when I do decide that maybe I can give a damn about anyone it's not right, or enough, or done in a way that everyone approves of and so naturally that means everything about it is wrong, and apparently I would be far better off just not bothering in the first place.
But it's arrogant to do that, and it's unacceptable, while for some reason it's acceptable to want to befriend someone who has every right to not want that in return? Or at the very least it's understandable, though I don't see how or why that's any less arrogant when it's still blatantly deciding that what I want is more important than what anyone else wants. Is it because we can pretend it's for the benefit of another person, or
[He makes himself stop there without finishing it; he isn't making much sense and he doesn't even know what he's arguing anymore - he's not sure if there's a point at all, or if he's just lashing out for the sake of it, because it gives him a direction to be angry in and someone to be angry with.
It takes him a moment.]
We did everything correctly, didn't we? We did everything he would have wanted us to. I don't know what else this place wanted from us in order to have things work out.
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Why couldn't there be a reason that doesn't come down to that...]
But that's acceptable...?
[He sends it before he can second-guess it; it...burns a bit, and he doesn't know where the rest comes from when he continues, but you know what, he's tired of dealing with all of it and if he's going to be blunt he's tired of being upset, and maybe if he gets some of this out of his head it'll be gone for good and he can get on with his damn life.]
I know you're probably just going to shout at me for it, but if I could go back to looking out for myself and no one else at this point, I would. I would much prefer not caring about what happens to any of you as opposed to feeling like this all the time - and even when I do decide that maybe I can give a damn about anyone it's not right, or enough, or done in a way that everyone approves of and so naturally that means everything about it is wrong, and apparently I would be far better off just not bothering in the first place.
But it's arrogant to do that, and it's unacceptable, while for some reason it's acceptable to want to befriend someone who has every right to not want that in return? Or at the very least it's understandable, though I don't see how or why that's any less arrogant when it's still blatantly deciding that what I want is more important than what anyone else wants. Is it because we can pretend it's for the benefit of another person, or
[He makes himself stop there without finishing it; he isn't making much sense and he doesn't even know what he's arguing anymore - he's not sure if there's a point at all, or if he's just lashing out for the sake of it, because it gives him a direction to be angry in and someone to be angry with.
It takes him a moment.]
We did everything correctly, didn't we? We did everything he would have wanted us to. I don't know what else this place wanted from us in order to have things work out.
[That isn't...quite it either.]
...I miss him so much.
[...Ah.]