[Well, that.. manages to calm him down some, actually. If this were face to face, Tsukiyama would be able to notice some of the tension easing away, but as it's text...]
No, it's not why I'm staying now. Even if the Kaneki we know was here, I don't know if it would be enough of a reason. There's not a lot of reason to defend anyone here from enemies.
[Not unless Team Rocket starts assassinating people.]
...You know this is what he would want, don't you?
[He should probably clarify; give him a second.]
Not with regards to how this is affecting us, I mean, simply because I don't think he would want this to result in anything negative for us - that's not in his nature.
But being human, not remembering what Yamori did to him...I think he would want that, in some way or another.
[...]
And he's still the one we know, technically. I think you know that also.
Not as we remember him, but still the same person.
I know it's what he would want. This was never his world to begin with.
[And truthfully, Banjou never wanted to involve Kaneki with Aogiri to begin with.
So if Kaneki is allowed to live here peacefully as a human, the way he was meant to live, that's perfectly alright with him. The usually non-violent aspect of this place means Kaneki is perfectly safe as he is.]
He's better off not knowing what happened to him. As long as Yamori, Ayato and the others don't show up here, I don't think we'll have much of a problem in the long run.
I told him a few things about it when I contacted him recently. No details, of course, and I omitted everything regarding his
[...how...do you even word that...]
mental state following the incident. But I did let him know that he survives it, and that we've been working with him since then. I can't know how much of that he believes, granted, but I did tell him that much.
Of course, omitting that one fairly large complication begs the question of "Why", but I think in this case it's best to not tell him too much. He doesn't need to know about that.
[The two of them will probably need to come up with some sort of lie they can stick to, won't they? This is going to suck, but Kaneki is so much better off never knowing about Yamori torturing him to the point where... well, he completely loses it to put it politely.]
If he asks me I'll be able to confirm all of that, so that'll give him a reason to believe it's true.
[It's not that Banjou cares about Kaneki trusting Tsukiyama, because he doesn't really, but believing him is important given how closely the three of them ere working.
How he's going to explain that to Kaneki Banjou doesn't exactly know, other than maybe being vague.]
He hasn't come to me yet, but I'll be surprised if he doesn't.
Hopefully so. I didn't try to insist one way or another; he'd likely find it suspicious if I did too much of that in either direction.
[He pauses for a moment before continuing.]
How have you been lately? With regards to everything.
[...There is no way to ask that without it sounding like either he's taking half a stab at empathy or he was replaced by a pod person, is there, and clearly we can't have any of that.]
I know that I haven't spoken to you or Miss Everett very often.
[...oh, come on. He doesn't have to be nice to you at all, granted, but there's no need to be surprised by the attempt.]
Good to know. I wouldn't want any further complications added to this entire thing.
[...]
As it stands, everything will be fine. It's just a matter of seeing if Kaneki-kun comes to us.
I still feel as though there's something else we should be doing, but I have no idea what; I don't like the idea of leaving it be for now, but there's not much else to be done, I think.
[At least he's weirded out in a way that Tsukiyama won't notice, and it passes quickly enough anyway.]
I'm sure he'll come to us if we give him enough time.
[He doesn't expect Kaneki to be the leader of their group again, and Banjou and Tsukiyama are doing fine with whatever this relationship of theirs is called without having a leader.]
[He isn't sure if he should leave it there or not; there are other things to say about this entire situation, to be sure, but there's not really a way to say them without feeling as though he's saying entirely too much.
He'll just send that for now, then; the rest is inconsequential.]
[Banjou wants nothing more than to ignore the situation, but that's not entirely fair to Tsukiyama, is it? But he also doesn't even have a clue what to do in a situation like this.]
He doesn't have much of a reason to seek either of us out, does he? We're not Anteiku; he has no reason to associate with us.
I don't know how he'd take us coming to him, though.
[No matter how long Tsukiyama spends in this world, the fact remains that old habits die hard. It occurs to him exactly how easy it would be to hurt him with that - to bear it in mind and use it against him later, or to say something nasty now and be done with it - and he wonders if that last bit is there because Banjou knows it as well; however, while the awareness may be there, the intent is not, and because old habits die hard he has to pause for a while to actually find words that aren't going to be derisive or hateful because now really isn't the time, even if he really wants to be hateful in Banjou's direction right now.
Why couldn't there be a reason that doesn't come down to that...]
But that's acceptable...?
[He sends it before he can second-guess it; it...burns a bit, and he doesn't know where the rest comes from when he continues, but you know what, he's tired of dealing with all of it and if he's going to be blunt he's tired of being upset, and maybe if he gets some of this out of his head it'll be gone for good and he can get on with his damn life.]
I know you're probably just going to shout at me for it, but if I could go back to looking out for myself and no one else at this point, I would. I would much prefer not caring about what happens to any of you as opposed to feeling like this all the time - and even when I do decide that maybe I can give a damn about anyone it's not right, or enough, or done in a way that everyone approves of and so naturally that means everything about it is wrong, and apparently I would be far better off just not bothering in the first place.
But it's arrogant to do that, and it's unacceptable, while for some reason it's acceptable to want to befriend someone who has every right to not want that in return? Or at the very least it's understandable, though I don't see how or why that's any less arrogant when it's still blatantly deciding that what I want is more important than what anyone else wants. Is it because we can pretend it's for the benefit of another person, or
[He makes himself stop there without finishing it; he isn't making much sense and he doesn't even know what he's arguing anymore - he's not sure if there's a point at all, or if he's just lashing out for the sake of it, because it gives him a direction to be angry in and someone to be angry with.
It takes him a moment.]
We did everything correctly, didn't we? We did everything he would have wanted us to. I don't know what else this place wanted from us in order to have things work out.
[He doesn't respond right away, letting Tsukiyama get everything off his chest. Tsukiyama will never entirely be one of those people he trusts, and that's perfectly fine with Banjou. A couple of paranoid ghouls pretending to be human are going to have a rough time here for a long time, because this isn't going to become completely normal to them.]
We did everything we could do.
[Banjou doesn't even know if comforting Tsukiyama is the right thing to do, so he isn't going to put too much effort into it because that'll just open the floodgates to ridicule further down the line.
[This is a complete and utter shitshow. What the hell are they supposed to do? Neither of them are the leader in this situation, and Kaneki sure as hell isn't going to want to pick up the reigns when he probably doesn't even have the capacity.
....which, honestly, he only got because he was the strongest of the entire group. Advantages of Kaneki not being tortured into losing his mind here.]
I'm sure there's a way to fix this. Even if it's starting from the beginning.
I'll find a way to speak to him. It'll be awkward keeping things from him, but he's better off not knowing what happened after he was captured by Aogiri Tree.
[For a moment he's not sure how to handle that; his initial reaction, nonsensical as it is, is to interpret it as a slight (because didn't he say he could handle this, you unfathomable prick) and it takes him a second to calm down. Accepting assistance...isn't going to kill him here, figuratively or literally, even if the ugh you absolute asshole reaction is still ticking off loud and clear in his head.]
I'd appreciate that, Banjou-san.
[It's really fortunate that this is over text, because that way you can't hear how much that is making him want to spit nails.]
[Oh, he's pretty sure as soon as he offers the help that this could be interpreted as him trying to insult Tsukiyama, but that's really not Banjou's way. He probably could insult the hell out of the other man but they've done so well he's trying to avoid it.]
I'm not saying you can't do anything. All I'm saying is this isn't something only one of us should have to do.
[This entire thing has been pointless from the start, and he's just kind of been irritatedly vibrating this whole time, but for some reason the question manages to settle him immediately. It makes the whole thing less about feelings and more about business, and for the briefest shining moment Banjou Kazuichi is a true hero of the people and even Tsukiyama has to admit it.]
No, there isn't.
[...Okay. Let him try not just...aggressively being himself in your direction for five more seconds.]
It's good of you to have listened to all that, Banjou-san.
[If this was anyone but Banjou, they probably would have stopped talking to Tsukiyama as soon as the conversation began to go south. But Banjou currently lives in Tsukiyama's house, so he's making more of an effort than he normally would, especially now that he's located his spine.]
Don't mention it.
[It would be nice if he could think of a word to describe their relationship. "Friends" isn't correct because it implies they actually like each other, but "allies" is far too distant at the same time.]
[He doesn't know what to call it, either, for what it's worth. Either way, he's willing to ensure you have somewhere to stay at night and to see to it that no one decides to stab you in your sleep; the least you can do is deal with him when he texts you from across the house with FUCKDAMMIT BANJOU-SAN THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY FEELINGS AND THEY FEEL WEIRD HELP ME GET RID OF THEM OR RATIONALIZE THEM AWAY OR SOMETHING
...not like that's what this was or anything.]
You said a short while ago that you don't like me, but you trust me; the same is true in your direction, you know. I wouldn't have come to you with any of this otherwise.
If you mean it when you say this isn't something that only one of us should have to do, I'm willing to honor that; tell me, should you need something.
[It's not like Banjou's any better with this whole feelings thing.
He'd suspected the feeling of liking the other but not trusting the other was mutual. Banjou wouldn't have been invited to stay in Tsukiyama's house if there wasn't some amount of trust from him.]
I haven't come up with any sort of plan at the moment.
[Which is, all things considered, a good thing. Banjou's sense of improvisation tends to get people killed.]
I'll hold you to that, you know. When the time comes.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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No, it's not why I'm staying now. Even if the Kaneki we know was here, I don't know if it would be enough of a reason. There's not a lot of reason to defend anyone here from enemies.
[Not unless Team Rocket starts assassinating people.]
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[He should probably clarify; give him a second.]
Not with regards to how this is affecting us, I mean, simply because I don't think he would want this to result in anything negative for us - that's not in his nature.
But being human, not remembering what Yamori did to him...I think he would want that, in some way or another.
[...]
And he's still the one we know, technically. I think you know that also.
Not as we remember him, but still the same person.
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[And truthfully, Banjou never wanted to involve Kaneki with Aogiri to begin with.
So if Kaneki is allowed to live here peacefully as a human, the way he was meant to live, that's perfectly alright with him. The usually non-violent aspect of this place means Kaneki is perfectly safe as he is.]
He's better off not knowing what happened to him. As long as Yamori, Ayato and the others don't show up here, I don't think we'll have much of a problem in the long run.
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[...how...do you even word that...]
mental state following the incident. But I did let him know that he survives it, and that we've been working with him since then. I can't know how much of that he believes, granted, but I did tell him that much.
Of course, omitting that one fairly large complication begs the question of "Why", but I think in this case it's best to not tell him too much. He doesn't need to know about that.
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If he asks me I'll be able to confirm all of that, so that'll give him a reason to believe it's true.
[It's not that Banjou cares about Kaneki trusting Tsukiyama, because he doesn't really, but believing him is important given how closely the three of them ere working.
How he's going to explain that to Kaneki Banjou doesn't exactly know, other than maybe being vague.]
He hasn't come to me yet, but I'll be surprised if he doesn't.
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[He pauses for a moment before continuing.]
How have you been lately? With regards to everything.
[...There is no way to ask that without it sounding like either he's taking half a stab at empathy or he was replaced by a pod person, is there, and clearly we can't have any of that.]
I know that I haven't spoken to you or Miss Everett very often.
[...#NailedIt]
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I can't complain.
[Being able to live without killing people is what he wants, after all.]
Besides figuring out the situation with Kaneki, things aren't so bad here. It's hard to get used to, but I'm doing fine.
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Good to know. I wouldn't want any further complications added to this entire thing.
[...]
As it stands, everything will be fine. It's just a matter of seeing if Kaneki-kun comes to us.
I still feel as though there's something else we should be doing, but I have no idea what; I don't like the idea of leaving it be for now, but there's not much else to be done, I think.
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I'm sure he'll come to us if we give him enough time.
[He doesn't expect Kaneki to be the leader of their group again, and Banjou and Tsukiyama are doing fine with whatever this relationship of theirs is called without having a leader.]
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[He isn't sure if he should leave it there or not; there are other things to say about this entire situation, to be sure, but there's not really a way to say them without feeling as though he's saying entirely too much.
He'll just send that for now, then; the rest is inconsequential.]
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He doesn't have much of a reason to seek either of us out, does he? We're not Anteiku; he has no reason to associate with us.
I don't know how he'd take us coming to him, though.
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...It's purely sentimental on our part, isn't it? Wanting him to associate with us at all, I mean.
That's what I was trying to work out earlier - whether there's a reason that isn't sentimentality. There isn't one, is there?
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I
[And it dawns on him. There really isn't. What it comes down to, what it really comes down to, is the simple fact that Kaneki is his friend.]
No, there isn't. There's no practical reason, I know that.
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Why couldn't there be a reason that doesn't come down to that...]
But that's acceptable...?
[He sends it before he can second-guess it; it...burns a bit, and he doesn't know where the rest comes from when he continues, but you know what, he's tired of dealing with all of it and if he's going to be blunt he's tired of being upset, and maybe if he gets some of this out of his head it'll be gone for good and he can get on with his damn life.]
I know you're probably just going to shout at me for it, but if I could go back to looking out for myself and no one else at this point, I would. I would much prefer not caring about what happens to any of you as opposed to feeling like this all the time - and even when I do decide that maybe I can give a damn about anyone it's not right, or enough, or done in a way that everyone approves of and so naturally that means everything about it is wrong, and apparently I would be far better off just not bothering in the first place.
But it's arrogant to do that, and it's unacceptable, while for some reason it's acceptable to want to befriend someone who has every right to not want that in return? Or at the very least it's understandable, though I don't see how or why that's any less arrogant when it's still blatantly deciding that what I want is more important than what anyone else wants. Is it because we can pretend it's for the benefit of another person, or
[He makes himself stop there without finishing it; he isn't making much sense and he doesn't even know what he's arguing anymore - he's not sure if there's a point at all, or if he's just lashing out for the sake of it, because it gives him a direction to be angry in and someone to be angry with.
It takes him a moment.]
We did everything correctly, didn't we? We did everything he would have wanted us to. I don't know what else this place wanted from us in order to have things work out.
[That isn't...quite it either.]
...I miss him so much.
[...Ah.]
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We did everything we could do.
[Banjou doesn't even know if comforting Tsukiyama is the right thing to do, so he isn't going to put too much effort into it because that'll just open the floodgates to ridicule further down the line.
...but at the same time...]
I miss him too.
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It takes him a few minutes to respond, but eventually he does; the sentence is simple but at least it's something he's acknowledging.]
I know you do.
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....which, honestly, he only got because he was the strongest of the entire group. Advantages of Kaneki not being tortured into losing his mind here.]
I'm sure there's a way to fix this. Even if it's starting from the beginning.
I'll find a way to speak to him. It'll be awkward keeping things from him, but he's better off not knowing what happened after he was captured by Aogiri Tree.
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I'd appreciate that, Banjou-san.
[It's really fortunate that this is over text, because that way you can't hear how much that is making him want to spit nails.]
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I'm not saying you can't do anything. All I'm saying is this isn't something only one of us should have to do.
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If I thought you were saying that, I'd question why you asked me to do this in the first place.
[never mind that he offered that isn't the point
christ we were doing so well]
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Right. Of course not.
Is there anything else you needed, Tsukiyama-san?
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No, there isn't.
[...Okay. Let him try not just...aggressively being himself in your direction for five more seconds.]
It's good of you to have listened to all that, Banjou-san.
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Don't mention it.
[It would be nice if he could think of a word to describe their relationship. "Friends" isn't correct because it implies they actually like each other, but "allies" is far too distant at the same time.]
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...not like that's what this was or anything.]
You said a short while ago that you don't like me, but you trust me; the same is true in your direction, you know. I wouldn't have come to you with any of this otherwise.
If you mean it when you say this isn't something that only one of us should have to do, I'm willing to honor that; tell me, should you need something.
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He'd suspected the feeling of liking the other but not trusting the other was mutual. Banjou wouldn't have been invited to stay in Tsukiyama's house if there wasn't some amount of trust from him.]
I haven't come up with any sort of plan at the moment.
[Which is, all things considered, a good thing. Banjou's sense of improvisation tends to get people killed.]
I'll hold you to that, you know. When the time comes.
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